thedarlingone

So I was listening to music and prepping a cross-stitch project, at three in the morning, because I don't have to be at work till late (I have a dietician appointment so I moved my schedule around) and I am emotionally stuck. I don't want to go to work. It's depressing and I keep avoiding it and even though I've made a lot of progress letting my boss know why I'm having problems, solutions are taking a while and also being generally unsatisfying, and it's getting pretty close to being a race between whether I quit first or am fired for missing too much time first.

So "A Spoonful of Sugar" came on, and -- I've added enough new people lately that I should probably explain a bit. You know, you learn something at the right age and it doesn't matter if it's true, it basically becomes an article of faith. That causes a lot of trouble in this world, but that's beside the point. Point is, my philosophy of life right now, there's a lot of Mary Poppins (the movie, not the books) and a lot of Tolkien. So: "In every job that must be done, There is an element of fun. You find the fun and, snap! the job's a game!"

So it would take a lot of convincing for me to stop looking for that leavening of fun in my job, but... call center work is pretty all-consuming. It requires your ears and mouth and hands and eyes and brain, all at once, constantly for an eight-hour day. You can't be doing anything else at the same time. I was doing okay as long as I had a supervisor I could sass back and talk about Star Wars with, and as long as he had a friend who would come over and goof around with him late in the evenings. Sort of vicarious fun through people less tied to a desk. But I have a different supervisor now, a stricter one, and I barely ever see my old supervisor, and his friend has transferred out entirely.

So I'm not sure what to do with that. It'd be... useful to find some way to keep my mood up at work that wasn't dependent on specific other people being around. But I'm not, or I haven't been, a person with a whole lot of internal mood regulation; that's why I have music, among other things. And I haven't come up with any options that are even possible to try, within the limitations of the job and the security requirements. But I have to do something. Otherwise I'll keep being stuck in this pattern of quitting and having to find another job and losing whatever makes that one bearable and quitting there too.